Be honest, who didn’t see this coming? It’s been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. The past couple of months have been rough for me. I’m talking deep depression and realizing this is something I have struggled with my whole life and never really acknowledged it. Suppressing that truth only makes matters worse. It was beginning to boil over.
I tried seeing a therapist, but after the second meeting the reasoning for my hesitation on that was justified. I do not need to spend money that we don’t have just so someone can tell me that I’m doing everything right and there are no major concerns about my mental health. And she didn’t even have kids so what does she know?! I do not need to pay a stranger to hear me vent then tell me I’m great and everything will be turn out all right. That’s what my husband is for and he accepts payment in the form of a home cooked meal.
Anyway, there is a point to this. I haven’t been happy, but I am starting to get to a better place. Part of that journey involves what I came here to say. I quit social media yesterday. Without warning, I just deleted all of my accounts. Well, not all. I am keeping this blog up only because I am proud of a few recipes and I still want those to be shared. I also kept my Pinterest because I have too many recipes pinned to give that up and I doubt I will ever find the time to copy all of them down. Plus, Pinterest is a world of endless inspiration and no one should quit being inspired.
I quit Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn for a couple of reasons. The main one being I’m simply over it. Nothing good was coming from any of it. Everything about it was adding to my anger and anxiety. I noticed I am more on edge and short-tempered while being tethered to my phone. It kept me from accomplishing the simplest things. It consumed me. “How many likes have I gotten?” “Why isn’t anyone commenting on that?” “What can I do to get more followers?” “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” “What am I doing wrong?” See how that escalated? Don’t worry, I know how pathetic that sounds. I’m making it sound like a drug. To you, it may be dramatic. To me, it’s the absolute truth. I don’t consider myself a weak person. I have no vices (besides sugar). I hardly drink. I have never smoked or done drugs. I never understood how anyone can be addicted to anything. Now that last statement is no longer true.
The other reason I quit is because I’m tired of seeing the two extremes of the internet. On one side you have the fake superficial connections. On the other side you have the pure hatred, ignorance, and negativity. I want nothing to do with either of those things anymore. In fact, those are my two biggest pet peeves. I only had about 75 friends on Facebook and 80% of those were family. Even with family I felt the connections being awkward, out of obligation, not that they actually wanted to be friends. It’s probably just me since I have suffered from an inability to really connect with anyone my entire life. Yet I do have feeling that all these years of Facebook and Twitter people have forgotten how to talk. Today, after telling my mom what I did her reply was, “So I won’t get to touch base or see videos anymore?” I had to remind her I still have a phone number and an address. I’m not going completely off grid and fading myself out. I’m really just stepping back to my freshman year of high school when all I had was an email address and not the weight of world on my shoulders.
It’s simple. We rely too much on all this technology. We are so desperate to put ourselves out on display that you lose yourself a bit. I want to set a better example for my girls. They need a better version of their mom. I’m downloading version 3.0; the one that comes with undivided attention, a healthy mind, and no phone glued to her hand. I need to take a step back and, as I told my mom, “unplug for a while and work on myself and be happy.”
It’s only been a day and already I feel so much better. I’ve had a few reflex moments of trying to check Facebook today. Less than I would have thought though. I found myself quickly relieved to not find that familiar blue icon on the screen. Then, on with the day, teaching my girls some sign language, engaging, and being oh so proud of them.
To my newest followers I must say, I am truly sorry to disappoint. I do hope you enjoy looking through my old posts. This just isn’t where my heart is anymore. As much as I would love to do it all, I’m realizing I can’t. I know my limitations and I know where I am most needed and I know what I am best at. This doesn’t fit the bill anymore. Sure I had dreams of breaking into the cookbook biz and getting products on the shelf. I don’t have it in me. I love to cook and I may have come up with a few really good recipes, but I am not going to be the next big thing in that department and I’m okay with that.
Right now, I’m trying to focus on what I think I do have a shot at. Writing. Distraction free writing. So if you need me I’ll be over here living my humble life and creating my own self worth that isn’t dependent on the comments of strangers. I hope you find your happiness.